THE UN-BUCKET LIST: 25 Things I Will Never Do
I will never….
- …Visit western Africa during an Ebola outbreak.
A grand finale death of crashing and bleeding from every hole in my body… no thanks.
- …Climb a skyscraper radio tower.
I can’t stand the people that do this. Who’s supposed to clean up the mess when we splatter on the pavement?
- …Drive an 18-wheeler on an ice road.
This is like balancing a boulder on a crate of fresh eggs. Except when the inevitable happens, you drown in a prison of icy water.
- …Dabble in Voodoo.
Three words: Zombie. Voodoo. Powder.
- …Get drunk while camping on a volcano.
The always famous, “Here, hold my beer…”, doesn’t end well here.
- …Sleep on a Greyhound bus.
Unless you want to wake up to someone breathing in your ear and going through your pockets.
- …Wager my kidneys in a game of Mexican poker.
You should never give up organs of yours that aid in the cleaning of Tequila from your body.
- …Box a kangaroo.
Nature elegantly evolved these animals to knock things out… respect.
- …Attend a basketball game in North Korea.
Unless it was a one on one street ball match between Kim and I.
- …NOT smoke weed with Willie Nelson.
- …Let my kids watch MTV.
But I will let them watch music videos.
- …Drink decaf coffee.
Like non-alcoholic beer… what’s the point?
- …Be a janitor for the Centers for Disease Control.
Not enough bleach or hand sanitizer in the world.
- …Complete the Barkley marathon alive.
In my will, which will be in my pocket, I will ask search and rescue to complete the race with my body. Oh, I’ll finish it…. Just probably not with a beating heart. I can live with that.
- …Freestyle climb El Capitan.
There are really no second chances here.
- …Go for a swim in the Salton Sea.
A stagnant, stinking, toxic health-crisis moving forward at full momentum that likely glows green at night. I’m mutant enough as it is.
- …Ride a skateboard down a San Francisco street.
Basilar skull fractures and epidural hematomas.
- …Attempt to charm a snake.
There is nothing charming about this. If Indiana Jones hates snakes, so do I.
- …Take a shot at the Toe Bar in Alaska.
They drop a locally donated, amputated, frostbitten toe in your liquor. Why.
- …Go snorkeling in the Everglades.
I watch my snakes and alligators on the Discovery Channel.
- …Make fun of Mike Tyson’s tattoo to his face.
I like my ears.
- …Drive a “Skittle” car.
Suicide on wheels.
- …Wear snakeskin boots.
Adidas Classics or combat boots baby… how I roll.
- …Decline the double or nothing bonus question on Cash Cab.
Go big or go home.
- …Allow myself to EVER be bound by this list.
Never allow yourself to be chained by your fears or pre-conceived notions. There is no greater injustice to yourself. Your comfort zone is only useful when you’re willing to step out of it and seek this world with every hungered atom in your being.